Dear Dr. Neder
I just found your dating website and there was some interesting information there, but I do have some observations and maybe these might form the basis of a new section or two, since I know there are others in the same boat.
I'm a straight male in my early 30's. I have never had a girlfriend or even a date in my entire life! I could go on for hours why -- a mixture of lifestyle, schooling and the fact I am not a male model has all contributed to this.
The problem is I have been told to my face that I am abnormal because I haven't been laid or had a girlfriend by now (and actually, to be honest, last year I took the plunge and went to an escort to get rid of one stigma, but needless to say it's not something I'm proud of).
The questions I have for you are:
I don't believe in lying. How do I handle the fact that unless I try and date a 16 year old I'm going to have to deal with a woman with some history? Granted, any woman who would be hung up on this isn't worth my time, but how does one handle "lack of experience" when the moment of truth arrives? This includes kissing, hugging, cuddling, etc., not just sex. I've never done any of this.
Second question: how can one tell if a woman is involved? Some of the hints seem to imply trying to steal a woman away from a boyfriend, or that they'll lie and say they have one. But are there any sure fire signs? For one thing, in many years of trying to get dates, I have always been there in second place -- some other jerk gets there before me!
I know these are odd questions, but this has gotten to be such a problem with me it has affected my work and my life such as it is. Any suggestions or advice would be very welcome.
Hello!
Interestingly, you're really not that unique! I actually get a lot of readers that are in exactly the same boat as you. So, don't feel as though you're alone.
The human "mating ritual" is really very complex. It doesn't come naturally to anyone; although many would have you believe otherwise. Most guys (like me) have learned what we know through trial and error. I went a step further and actually spend 14 years researching what I found, heard, read, etc. That was the basis of my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World".
Don't be "un-proud" of having hired a professional. That's an excellent step. Just like having written this email, put it in the "education file". You went directly to a professional for some experience. I commend you on that effort! Too few men will do this. (Oh - I can hear the conservative keyboards clicking away right now!)
Ok, so on to your questions.
When a doctor walks into the hospital for his first day of residency, do you think people look down at him? Sure, they don't expect as much from him as a 10-year doctor, but nobody thinks badly of him. What about an attorney's first day at the firm? They usually shove 20 files in his hands and tell him to "get to work".
Believe me, women will be more sympathetic to you than you think. You don't need to lie to them at all. However, you don't need to spill your guts either. Few women are going to ask you, "Well how many women have you been with?" Even if one does, you can just say, "Oh, hundreds!" and roll your eyes. Frankly, it's none of their damn business! Actually women lie about this all the time - usually UNDER quoting the number!
Regarding the "moment of truth"; you really CAN get yourself educated to the point of being smooth and confident. There are many resources on the Internet. I suggest that you take a look at my website: www.remingtonpublications.com as there is a ton of material right there. Just click on "Self Help" and you'll have a real resource for much of this.
Regarding a woman "being involved"; the only real sign is a ring on her finger. Even that isn't a good sign! Many women wear rings to say, "I'm with someone", but that doesn't even mean that they're exclusive! Believe me, many women that find a good enough reason to jump would do just that.
Do you think that a woman - even one in a "committed" relationship would turn down coffee with Brad Pitt or Tom Cruise? No, not many of them. Men aren't the only "dogs"!
I tell men all the time, don't worry about a woman's boyfriend: it's easier to steal a woman than to keep one! Even if some woman already has a boyfriend, she's often looking to "trade up". This doesn't mean in experience either - it means any guy that better meets her "ideal guy". That definition changes by the woman. So, don't let a woman that claims she has a boyfriend be a deterrent! It's not for you to decide.
At this point, here are some suggestions that will really help you get into the game. You've waited long enough - let's get moving!
1) Get educated
Asking these questions is an excellent start - as is being with a professional. However, you need some "male philosophy". Your father was supposed to give this to you, but frankly, few do. As part of my research, I asked over 2000 people this question: "Did your parent of the same sex, give you any relationship advice?" Of the women I asked, all but 2 said, "Yes!" Of the men, 100% to a man said "No!" That's unbelievable!
So, if your father didn't give you any advice, where are you going to get it? I suggest that you pick up a copy of my book and commit it to memory. Not only will it give you a ton of this "male philosophy", but it will also give you all the tools you need to be successful in the dating game - everything from how to meet women, how to get phone numbers, when to call them, how to "close the deal", even how to handle your success!
Even more important, it has a number of exercises that will help you learn exactly what you're looking for in your mate. That way, you'll know when you see her! Too many men spend their time chasing the "wrong" women and fail because of it.
Having some real guidance and knowledge will make a world of difference in your confidence and attitude.
2) Don't be afraid of failing
Up until now, you've not had much (any?) success. That only means that your approach isn't the right one. Even when you have the right approach, you're not going to succeed every single time. However, as you practice, you're "average" is going to start growing. At this point, even a single success will be a 100% improvement. So, don't fear failure. The only real failure is not trying.
3) Get started!
You've got to do something today to change the way things will be tomorrow. If you don't do something this week, next week will be identical. Change is difficult, but how easy is the alternative? Get moving - there's some lady out there waiting to meet you too.
Good luck, much love...
Have a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
