Dr.,
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years
now and he is a wonderful man, and he plays Bass
in a band at this club. In the beginning his ex-wife
and her 2 kids use to go there to bother him. Last
weekend even his ex-mother in law and his ex's best
friend showed up! I know he wants nothing to do with
them, but he walked over and gave them all a hug. That really hurt!
Later, they walked over to our table and told him that
his daughter is getting married and that he should be there.
He doesn't speak up to tell them to leave us alone and that he wants
nothing to do with them anymore. Those weren't even his kids to begin with.
Well, we ended up in a huge argument that night. He always
tells me that it doesn't matter and that he will never go back
to them, and I know that, but I don't understand why won't he
tell them he doesn't want bothered anymore. And why does he still
hug them and treat them like friends? I feel so uncomfortable going
there anymore, but I love to dance and I love to go and support him and his band.
I don't know what to do anymore. This has been dragging on for too long without
him saying anything to them. I kept telling him that they are NOT going to leave
us alone unless he stops associating with them. I don't want to start trouble,
but I'm tempted to say something to them myself, but I thought he would stick
up for them and not me.
Please Help!!!!
Confused and Frusterated!!
Hello "C & F"!
Oh no! Not another bass player!
(I'm also a bass player - and we're the WORST!!! - just kidding!)
Everybody has a past - you, me and your boyfriend.
There is almost nothing you can about that. Actually,
the fact that he's friends with his ex girlfriend's
mother, friends, etc., should be a GOOD thing to you!
As you already know, when a band plays a club, the club
owner is counting the number of bodies in attendance. This
is because bodies = sales; and let's face it; he doesn't hire
the band to promote the arts! Thus, having your boyfriend's ex,
her family and friends is actually good for the band, and therefore, your boyfriend.
I fully understand how you feel about his friendliness
toward them, and they may be coming: 1) to support the
band; and 2) to get your goat; both of which they have
accomplished. However, your boyfriend has made certain
promises to you, and it sounds like he is sticking to those promises.
Thus, you may just have to come to grips with the fact that he has had
relationships in the past (just like you), and these people are part of
this life (just like you).
Here's another idea taken directly from an
old middle-eastern quote: "Draw your friends close,
and your enemies closer." What this means to you is,
why not get to know his ex's mother, her friends,
and even her! At least this way, they'll get to know
you, and perhaps even respect you. Yes, I know it's
much easier to be catty, but you'll gain so much
more - in their eyes, and your boyfriend's, all
while being able to deal with things "from the inside".
Believe me, this isn't easy, but it just starts with an introduction.
The next time he plays and any of them show up, just walk up, and say hello.
Introduce yourself if they don't know who you are, and explain that you just
wanted to get to know them as a part of your boyfriend's past. Then, go pick
up your boyfriend's jaw from the floor.
Good luck, much love...
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
