Hello Dr Neder,
I read your piece on Breaking Up with much interest and seek your advice as
offered in the article.
In about two months my partner and I will be celebrating our three-year
anniversary. Discussions on marriage have started and I expect we will be
making decisions about our future together soon.
Recently I have been experiencing doubt about our relationship as we have
being spending a considerable time apart as my partner is studying overseas.
I care about her very deeply but am concerned that this does not equate to
love and am struggling to define the difference between the two.
Unfortunately my partner's family is a mess and the relationship with her
separated parents is shallow and unfulfilling for her. I suspect that I am
filling a father figure role, as I am six years her senior (she is 25) and
supporting her financially so that she can study full time.
Deep down I do not respect her as an equal and probably have taken on the
father figure role out of my own need to be needed. I know for my own
fulfillment that I need to have a partner that I respect and consider equal.
This has led me to thoughts of breaking up.
Is there a way for us to re-balance the relationships and change our current
roles? Longer term I am afraid that if we continue in our current pattern I
will feel trapped and alone in a relationship that is one-way.
Hello!
As I keep telling people, the problem is not that there are too many
divorces - there are too many marriages!
People seem to get married for all of the wrong reasons - and there are a
ton of them. By contrast, there are only two reasons that I can see to get
married:
1) You've decided that nobody else now, or in the future could ever be "the
one" for you and you're willing to put aside any possible future interest in
any else to make this so, (highly unlikely by the way); or,
2) You want to start a family.
That's it!
As you've already mentioned, you are probably in this relationship for all
the wrong reasons. I'm deeply concerned that you're paying her tuition
overseas. This is bad all around. Why are you doing this? She's 25 years
old. Do you think that she won't meet someone over there while she's away?
Not likely. Remember your own college days? Sure, you wanted an education,
but was that the only thing you wanted? She's likely to return to the states
with her degree AND her new boyfriend! Of course, you'll have paid the bill
for it all!
You seem to have nailed the essence of the relationship - she wants a
"daddy" figure (sugar-daddy?) and you want to be needed. This is not a
healthy foundation on which to build a relationship! Neither is the "pay for
play" model by the way.
You see, people spend more time planning their vacations than they spend
planning their relationships. Isn't this ridiculous? What you have here is a
relationship that has taken it's own course without much "direction" from
you. Now, as things are getting serious, you're beginning to re-evaluate
your involvement in the relationship. You should have done this before
monogamy set in!
In my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" I go into this planning process
in depth, so I'm not going to re-iterate it here (actually it spans 3
chapters of the book itself!) But suffice it to say; first you've got to
decide just what you want - specifically and clearly. If you don't want to
get married, my brother - DON'T! No good can come of it. Likewise, if you
don't want to get married to her - DON'T.
The first step is to sit down and really determine what you want in your
life. Until you do this, you're always going to be at the mercy of everyone
else's ideas of just what's best for you. This includes your girlfriend,
your friends, your girlfriend's parents, your parents, your minister, your
pet goldfish, etc., etc., etc. Next, look at the relationship and see if
there is hope of getting these things from it. If not, it's time to move on.
If you want to try to re-organize your present relationship, you need to run
(don't walk!) down to your local bookstore (or go to our website) and get my
book. It is full of "male philosophy" on how to begin to properly manage
your relationship including what it takes to direct and manage your
relationship in the long-term. It also covers how to meet someone that
better fits your needs.
My point here is not to give you a sales pitch, but to give you some
options. After 3 years of this pattern, it's time to make some changes -
either in your relationship with her, or in yourself. Either of these are
going to take some work, but it's worth it. Otherwise, you're just going to
go from this situation right into another just like it.
So, here's the bottom line:
1) Decide what you want from your life and your relationship(s),
2) Decide if you CAN get it from this current relationship,
3) If so, make it what you want by expecting the change and implementing a
plan (I'd start with finding a new funding source for your girlfriend's
education),
4) If not, get out and start meeting some new people as your construct your
"exit plan".
Life is not a dress rehearsal. You don't want to find out 5 years from now
that you're married to someone that you shouldn't be, and those that meet
your needs are no longer in reach.
Good luck, my brother!
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
