Hi,
I need help!
I'm, seeing a guy and everything in our world seems right and amazing -
except for my boyfriend's mother. She seems to think I'm trying to take him
away from her! That's not what I want at all. He has an incredible family
that he loves very much, but she is trying to ruin our relationship!
His mom has even gone so far as to expose some of my private medical
information to his out of town relatives. I wrote her a carefully worded
letter explaining that I did not like what she did. I even sent it to my
boyfriend so he could see it and know I wasn't being mean or accusatory. He
thought the letter was fine so I sent it. She went through the roof after
reading it and accused me of being mean and hateful.
We have not spoken since then. I keep my mouth shut most of the time when
she says or does something to upset me just because of my boyfriend. I don't
want him to be stuck in the middle of things. How do I settle things with
his mom to get past this problem? It doesn't bother me if we're not friends.
If she can't accept us together, is there a way to just get a little peace?
When he tries to discuss it with her, she sees no wrong in what she has
done. She just keeps saying that I'm trying to put a wedge in between her
and him.
Can you please help?
Hello!
Yes, mothers can be quite a pain sometimes!
It sounds like you've done just about everything you should from discussing
it with your boyfriend to reviewing the situation with your friends and
family. It sounds like your motives are non-sinister, and that mom is just
trying to create some problems. Here's what I would do in the same
situation:
1) Re-evaluate your situation one more time and make sure that there is
nothing you're doing that may be a further cause of this.
2) Talk to your boyfriend again. It is his responsibility to deal with his
mother. If he can't, tell him to go get his testicles, put them back in his
pants and have a pow-wow with his mother to get her off your back. He needs
to tell her that he won't tolerate this situation, as it is SHE (mom) that
is driving a wedge between them. If he can't seem to find where he left his
balls, have it write to me, and I tell him where to look!
3) Have a talk with mom yourself. Drop by when you know that she's free,
bring some pastries and hash out an understanding with her. Explain that you
LIKE their family (including her) and want things to be good for everyone -
including your boyfriend's relationship with her. Say that you understand
how important her bond is with him, and see that a lot of the things you
love about him have come from her. Tell her that if she feels she's losing
him (which she's not) that you can help insure that she doesn't. You should
also drop the hint that you can also make things worse, but you don't want
to. Frankly, mom's an idiot for not realizing this in the first place, and
should be trying to work with you to get on your good side.
4) If mom isn't able to see all of this, just know you've done everything
you can, and put it behind you. The problem is hers, and frankly, you hold
the keys here. You get to decide how much time your boyfriend spends with
his mom, if he's "free" or not, etc. Tell him not to tell his mother about
anything in your relationship because you don't want it spread through the
rest of the family (mom has already proven that she can't keep your
secrets), and make him stick to it.
I know from personal experience what kind of problem this is. If you've done
everything here and mom won't come around, it really isn't your problem -
it's hers. You can put it aside and move on knowing that you've done
everything you can. On the other hand, you and she may even become friends
someday!
Good luck, much love...
Got a love, relationship or man/woman question? I answer all letters. You can write to me at
dwneder@remingtonpublications.com
for answers. For more information about my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", visit:
www.remingtonpublications.com.
Copyright (c) 2001, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
